now... we can get started.

Im sitting in an empty room. My skin is warm, touched by comfort... like drifting still in a steady tide. I'm holding my breath not out of longing, or even hope... but because I'm afraid to make waves as I float through this empty canvas. It's taken the better part of 25 years to let go of my life. To surrender to the current with my Savior on speed dial. I've even learned to find rest in this place as others look on in terror. Why? I don't know. I suppose I disrupt some equilibrium they've been incubating in... my hand seizes as I paint that last line. My mistake... wipe it clean? 

I've been living this past year in this tempo where I forget that I wasn't made, created, designed... to know everything. My nature is to create rules, lines, boundaries, systems to fall on with every possible circumstance. My nature tells me that this is comfort. The lover of my soul has proven different. He reminds me to keep my eyes on Him. Coaxes down my weapons of battles passed and floods me with His love. Engulfing me. This is where He heals me, more than that... this is the one place where I can beexactly who I was made to be. Everything else ravages my heart, the scars ofmy forgetfulness are many.

There is a story buried so deep inside me. A voice. It isn't filtered well through reason, logic, or any man's theology. Doing so only creates more layers to sift through. Lies and attempts to explain, define, paint a picture or just draw a line to justify my very beginning. It is so far from me. Every time I have tried to handle my elephant(s) in the room, I'm left on an empty stage. Broken and hopeless. 

He reminds me... He stills me... He gently pleads... "Let me be the one you go back with? Let me navigate you through this? Let me be the one to show you how beautiful you are, please. I've been waiting..." He acts like He doesn't know, this is what I've always wanted and never knew how to ask. Now, I'm desperate to be free from the image people paint and call my life, from every rebuttal I throw up against them in adesperate plea, "Can I just be?" My voice is shrill. Desperate. 

I'm trying to survive this empty place alone... No one hears me. Everyone tells me what I'm saying through their filtered, comfortable, incubated heart. No one tries to understand. Truth is, no one can. 

Call it into question. Your nature tells you to do so. Begin to search for some truth or solution, something black and white. Go ahead. It's what you need to feel at ease. But out of love I ask, wouldn't you rather be free? 

My heart refuses to get back in your cage. Not out of stubborness or spite, but because I have something greater than your trained ability to reason me there. I have Him. I'm doing a giant cannon ball into His relentless river and looking forward to it sweeping me far away. I'll pray you follow soon after, love you regardless, but I have nothing left to keep me here... not even the hope that by my power I could take you with me. For this and every bit of the brokenness I am thankful.