So it's my first night in my house. First night other than the last where me and mom stayed up painting my new room, me unpacking right before the sun came up. Walked Kobe and got some Macdonalds breakfast just in time to come home and sleep for a couple hours before our excitement would again wake us up. but like I said.. first night, sorta. Moral of the story is I can't sleep.
I think about where I am and the long twisted path which brought me here. I remember where its crookedness ubruptly ends and slows into a first akward and fearful one, now a path which requires patience and my full attention to every step. First making my steps hesitantly from fear... now I am learning to enjoy the moments of peace. I'm getting use to soaking in the silence and fresh coat of uncertainty. I am more comfortable now knowing that my life has been surrendered, It is no longer mine. It is no longer my desires that dictate my steps. No longer I who will live but, finally, Christ who lives in me. I feel like I have lost the fight of my own way, Praise. Would I have ever learned to let it go without that battle? I am so blessed to have been brought to a place where I no longer had control. Where I saw how absolutely hopeless I am without Him. Where our lives as sinners will take us regardless of our best intentions when we choose to walk without Him.
I remember the rock at UT. How a good warm rain would soak its layers so heavily that they dropped off around its solid core. I am so thankful to be bare. Vulnerable in my makers hands. Where my moments of fear and anxiety are brought to Him.
I feel like a child standing sheepishly behind her fathers legs, holding tight and sometimes terrified to peek at the faces around her. I feel more like a child now than I can ever remember. I know this is where He wants me to be and I have no desire to move forward without Him being the one to provoke it. Until He gives me the, "Ok honey, go ahead" I'm stayin' right where I am.
Truth is... there is so much I want to be but know that He is the only one who can take me there. A strong woman of faith. Gentle, kind, and loving. Passionate and strong yet so soft and tender. I imagine every calluse of my worn heart being soaked by his love and mercy, and dropping away, my heart is left tender and exposed. Unravaged and in the perfect mans hands. Never to be dealt with wrecklessly again. I am back to my first love. Back to that place I longed to be but remember like a distant dream, before the fear and then shame found its way and dug in its roots. Augmentation is such a beautiful thing no matter how painful.
I desire... a VIOLENT faith. I have high expectations of my Lord and Savior, as I know he has for me, He desires to bless me. He greatly desires to pour out his love on me in all I do. The desires of my heart are to be shaped in His form. To be finally walking the way he desired me to when he created me. With no limitations brought on by this world, Fearless. Full of his Joy and Hope for everyone I come in contact with. Living my life from the inside out. Starting with what I know is truth, the only thing that matters. While I was still a sinner Christ died for me. He loves me and takes great Joy in me. He wishes to have a relationship with me. To love me so deeply and intensely that I may know His father. His heart broke for me, and my heart has broken for my sin as well, I guess they call it repentance. I want my heart to break for what breaks His. I want to feel His pain. See the world how He does no matter how difficult. That way when my feet are moving forward I KNOW it is His strength sustaining me, not my own.
My heart breaks for my loves. Their love for me is so intense. So raw and so real. Sometimes its hard to recognise it for what it is. It is love the best way we know how in this world. I pray God shows me how to return the love. I want to bring them joy and peace, I want them to see and feel how GOD wishes to pour out his love and blessing on them as well.
Love has saved me. Now, I'm gonna let it remake me and I'll do what I can to let it shine the best way I know how.
This little light of mine...
This love is raw, but it is real. He is mine and I am His... forever.
Back to my first Love... how I've missed Him.
<3 Laurén
